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the rabbit hole of self help.

I was first introduced to meditation when I was six years old. My dad sat me on his white meditation pillow and told me to clear my mind. It lasted about 10 seconds before I proclaimed that not only was it impossible but incredibly boring.

The law of attraction found it’s way into my life my freshman year of high school when my friend suggested we write down all the traits we wanted in a boyfriend on a piece of paper and manifest our dream boys. Important priorities, folks.

And that summer a yoga instructor would change my life forever when she began talking to me about the spirituality behind the practice. While I’ve always found myself wrapped in the arms of the spiritual realm be it through yoga, astrology, various religions, or different forms of healing, it wasn’t until two years ago when my descent into the rabbit hole of self-help would truly begin.

My freshman year of college one of my professors required the class to participate in mindfulness, meditation, and yoga as part of our acting training. The deepening of these practices came not only at a time of great change but also a break up. Ya'know, the kind of break up that shatters your heart into pieces and makes you lose sight of your worth.

In an effort to ease my earthquake ridden heart, a friend sent me a care package made out of the sun. And along with all the yellow pieces of encouragement came a little book by Jen Sincero titled You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. It took me another two months of doubting myself and a whole lot of self-indulgent pity before I opened it up.

But as I began to read it, highlighting and dog-earing nearly every page, it was like I was remembering what the universe had been trying to teach me. I was reminded of the circular nature of her lessons and how sometimes it takes more than one try to really get the point across. All the puzzle pieces of yoga, the law of attraction, and mindfulness began to start falling into place.

Self-love and spiritual healing became the center of my being. I ended up taking a trip to Sedona, Arizona where I met Erika and had my first ever Reiki healing session. I stood atop one of the beautiful, red rock mountains in tree pose while snow fell from the sky and meditated at the Amitahba stupa. I came home and discovered Kirtan chanting, became attuned to Reiki I, started reading Oracle cards, and growing my collection of healing stones. And I read. And read. And read.

And then of course I was sent back into the flames of devastating heart-ache again and again. Each time my heart splintering into a million pieces. However, slowly but surely I’ve risen from the ashes re-discovering the infinite love and possibility our world possesses. Now finding myself on a journey of self love, acceptance, and body positivity.

Of course, I still have no idea what I’m doing.

There are glorious moments of divine connection with the universe; brilliant glimpses of clarity, absolute faith, and goose-bump raising messages of comfort and reassurance from spirit. And there are still moments where anxiety and fear hold control of my body, mind, and heart. I have been set on fire and left to navigate the flames alone. But each time that happens it only sends me further down the rabbit hole, and I’ve learned to thank each blow for bringing me back home to myself.

I hope that as I continue to write (with complete disregard for grammatical rules and structure mind you) and discover you find something that helps you on your journey. And if you’ve yet to take the first steps into the world of self-help, healing, and being called “crazy” or “tweaky” for believing in the absolutely beautiful madness of it all— think of being here, on this little space of the internet, as your first move. Welcome to Wonderland.

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